I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
