I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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