I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
