cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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