ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
