apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
