When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
