Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
