If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
