census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
