Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He better not be in your backpack
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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