She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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