can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
