So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
