so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
