Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
