I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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