just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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