This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
