Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
