I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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