if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low