i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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