sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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