No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
