I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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