jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
pray to the hookup gods
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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