My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
