dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
