I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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