soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
