Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
