Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
