Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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