He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
