If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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