I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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