So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
