he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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