I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
