I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
