If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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