be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize