i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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