Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
