Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
