I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
