Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
