I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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