Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
