i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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