Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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