There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
