My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
