If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
