Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
