Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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